February’s Gadamn excursion was everything a Gadamn ought to be: Friends, food, drink, a bit o’ the craic, gastro-intestinal misery, totally uncalled-for dessert, a few farts and a truly God Awful Movie if ever there was one: Zardoz. In addition to the usual gang of Curdo, Niquisha, Dreams and yours truly, Old Maahk, we were joined by our friends Jare, Banji, Snitcherz, Danly and Andyofughgodfame.
For the second month in a row, I was a little hesitant about our Gadamn destination. I’m a picky eater. I have a narrow personal menu that I stick to and I rarely stray from it. Suffice to say, sea food is not on that menu. So when Nikittles suggested Red Lobster for our next adventure, I took it in stride without feeling anything one way or t’other about it…at first. Then I found the menu online. And then the buzz about the biscuits started to follow me as I told others about our plans. Soon enough, by the one-week countdown leading up to Red Lobster, I was shuddering with anticipation at the prospect of a big plate of food and an all-out assault on a basket o’ biscuits. “Good God,” thought I, “I NEED FOOD!!!”
When we arrived at the restaurant we found that the joint was packed. I was amazed. Look at all these hungry fatties, methought. What sea has enough lobsters in it, what field enough cattle, what farm enough chickens, what Pillsbury plant enough biscuits, to feed these multitudes, packed in as they were like…sardines in a can? >chortle< My appetite seemed so unvanquishable that I wasn’t sure I could survive the wait. Curdo and I even staged a recon mission to neighboring Applebees, which was just as crowded. But with drinky and a bit of the craic, the wait passed easily enough.
When we were finally seated, a full half-hour before we expected, we were pleasantly surprised that the staff had arranged for all nine of us to be seated at one table. The waiter, Quentin, an agreeable chap, smiled widely at the prospect of the tip that would surely flow his way from our buttery hands by evening’s end.
The menu at Red Lobster, if you've never been, is rather robust. It took us all, it seemed, a little longer than usual to decide our poisons. I had been hemming and hawing all week on whether or not to order sea food. Like I said, I'm not a sea food person. But not to order sea food at Red Lobster seemed like a cop-out. And when it came time to decide, I chickened out.
That is, I settled on the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo! >guffaw< The menu offers two options: Half or Full. I ordered a full platter because it was only a dollar extra, but twice the calories. It was actually…pretty good. Even after a beer and a couple of those outrageous biscuits, I was still eager to sink my mandibles into that plate of pasta, chicken and cheesy goodness. The portion was so big, however, that I needed help from Danly, who good-naturedly broke his vegetarianism to help me finish off the plate. Alas, despite the fact that I was so hungry and that it took two of us to work on my dish, I still wasn’t able to clean it the way Jare cleaned his: spotless, not a drop of blood left over, and only the shell of his “surf” to indicate that any food had ever been there at all.
By the end of our time at Red Lobster, the only disagreeable thing I felt was a gut full of dense, but surprisingly decent, food that had yet to be accompanied by our Satanic dessert choice of Entemann’s baked goods, which we acquired at the nearby Wawa.
Back at Banji and Curdo’s we hunkered down for ZARDOZ. If you want some idea of what this flick was like, imagine if Star Trek had had a fourth season. I suspect that the filmmakers had all been on staff for the Trek season that never was, and were so bitter that they just went for it – ALL OF IT.
The movie opens with a horde of loin-clothed men running toward a large hovering head-craft which, after decreeing that “the gun is good” and “the penis is evil,” vomits an entire arsenal of rifles onto its worshipers. They are to use the rifles to purge the earth of all that the evil penises have wrought on the world. Sometimes a rifle ISN’T just a rifle. >snort<
As for my hypothesis about ZARDOZ possibly having been an unused Star Trek script, I’ve got plenty of data to back me up. One: The skimpy loin cloths. There was way too much skin and hair in this movie, especially hair. Even for the Seventies, I’d say it was pretty unwarranted. Two: There was no plot, no story, no thread. The dialogue was pointless and the “twist,” if you could call it that was really just one of the funniest parts in the movie. But I don’t want to spoil it for you. Three: The sensuality. Well, maybe not the sensuality, but there was definitely a scene where the Superiors or the Elders or the Important People or whatever had to observe 007’s tumescence because their lack of reproduction made bone-times unnecessary in their particular genetic strain…which I guess is close enough. Anyway, it would have been a suitable fix for Captain Kirk.
The great thing about dessert was that I didn’t eat all of it, which I would have done had not so many other eyes been there to witness the spectacle.
All in all, I was pleased with this one. Red Lobster is actually worth it if you’re really famished and you don’t mind a wait. ZARDOZ was the PERFECT movie for Gadamn, seeing as how it is so irredeemably bad. Jare even fell asleep for a while, which is really part of the whole Gadamn experience. But most of all it was the hearty souls who joined us on our quest. Great Gadamn for February!
Next months Gadamn: Unannounced…to some…