Apr 252011

In my Catholic family, Easter is a big deal. Like most American Christians, we don our Sunday finest and spend the day with family and food. Lots of food. In case you don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate the Resurrection of the Risen Bunny, who is seated on the right-hand serving tray of the Father, who died for our anorexia, was shot, skinned and eaten. He will come again to judge the health nuts and their arugula, and His Kingdom will end by the slow death of obesity and diabetes. Amen.

It is in this Easter spirit that I chose to take April’s Gadamn excursion to Golden Corral. It was kind of like that time way back when that dude passed out loaves and fishes that seemingly came from nowhere. It all just kept coming and coming and coming. And the faithful turned out in droves!

GC is another buffet, which now make up half of our culinary misadventures. I arrived a little earlier than my compatriots, so I had a chance to observe some of the poor early birds leaving the establishment before the sun even set. From my parked car I observed a rather rotund man stumbling out of the Corral. Half way through the parking lot, he stopped dead in his tracks, belched, and proceeded onward to his minivan. The fact that he had to stop in order to orally release his pent up dinner joy heartened me. It was as if he thought to himself, “Wait. I wanna get this right on the first try. BUUURRRRP!!!” It told me that my high expectations for GC were totally warranted.

Once inside, I found Curdo, Dreams, Niqueesh, Don Angle and approximately fifty other people waiting IN A CORRAL for their turn to hand over money for the GC experience. The high school kids behind the register seemed to be doing well enough under the pressure, although that’s probably because they weren’t tasked with the job of clearing away plates from tables, plates stacked four, five or six high and full of half gnawed chicken bones and taco residue. But, hey. In 21st Century America, a job’s a job. It ain’t 2005, so no looking down on the grunt workers from here on out, dig?

Anyway, the five of us wasted no time hitting the buffet for Round 1. My first trip yielded a large piece of rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes with turkey gravy, a piece of the Awesome Pot Roast, and a heaping helping of sweet potato casserole. The Awesome Pot Roast tasted like pot roast, so you’ve got a winner right there. It didn’t take forever to chew and it wasn’t in the least bit fatty. The only weird thing about the APR was that it crumbled as soon as the fork made contact with it. It just…peeled off in strands… Is meat supposed to do that by itself? The large hunk of Rotisserie Chicken was also quite tasty. Moist and delicious, I found it satisfying. My only beef with the chicken >snort< was that I couldn’t identify which part of the chicken it was. Breast, thigh, wing? No clue. The sweet potato casserole was also very tasty, but equally ambiguous. I assume it was SPC because that’s what it said on the sign above the serving tray, but there was no orange-brown color to it, so who knows? Maybe it was plane old stuffing. It sure tasted like it. I have to say, though, that the tastiest selection of Round 1 was the mashed potatoes with gravy. They tasted a lot like KFC mashed potatoes, which are always a winner with me. I’d be perfectly satisfied with a KFC meal made up entirely of their wonderful, salty, salty mashed taters. ROUND 2. I once subbed as a drummer for a band called Round 2. That band sucked more than a meal at CiCi’s (and my drumming didn’t help), but this was not the case with Round 2 at Golden Corral, let me tell you. Like most of the people at GC, I couldn’t get back to that buffet fast enough. For Round 2, I scored me some pepperoni pizza, macaroni and cheese, a slice of meatloaf and MORE mashed potatoes and gravy. The potatoes repeated their brilliant performance with a stunning encore. The mac and cheese was a little too runny for my taste, and the “cheese” had a powdery texture to it, which made me think that the line cook in charge of preparing it didn’t stir it into the butter long enough. The meatloaf, like the Awesome Pot Roast, was very tasty, but, as with the APR, it crumbled upon contact. I found myself scooping the bits onto my fork with my knife. The pizza wins runner-up to the mashed potatoes in the ranking of pre-dessert samplings at Golden Corral. It was far and away superior to anything I ate at CiCi’s and well ahead of any pizza I sold for fundraisers in high school. ROUND 3: Biscuit + Dessert = A Very Bloated Man. Ever see a very sad man in a plaid short-sleeve shirt with a very ample gut? No? Join us next time and keep your eyes on Old Maahk here. Round 3 is when I put myself over the edge. The biscuit looked like a Red Lobster biscuit, but wasn’t nearly as moist or zesty. It just kind of made a home in my innards and I doubt it will vacate anytime soon. (Poop joke, ho yeah!) For dessert I tried a chocolate cookie, a piece of chocolate cake, the “no sugar added” chocolate pudding and, finally, a bowl of chocolate soft serve. Have you puked yet? I didn’t, so MAN UP! Anyway, the chocolate cake was unremarkable. It was scrummy and chocolatey, so what more could I expect? The pudding didn’t do it for me – at all. The cookie was probably out of a packet of generic brand chocky cookies from Aldi. Topping everything off with soft serve was totally unnecessary and I may have suffered a stroke at the table while eating it. It was either a stroke or brain freeze. All I know is that I had a terrible pain in my head and no control over my facial muscles for about fifteen seconds. The meal at Golden Corral accomplished much of what we set out for here at Gadamn. The food didn’t taste half as bad as CiCi’s or Ruby, but it did make us feel terrible once each of us was tapped out. So I’ll call this one a rousing success. Many sighs and exhalations would follow…