Hello, internet. I acknowledge that you don’t neccessarily know me, but take my word for it: It goes without saying that the GADAMN location I had the pleasure of picking was the GADAMN dinner that everyone enjoyed. I’m a girl. I don’t want to participate in the vomit race. Despite training myself to ingest food that I don’t particularly like for the sake of good manners and values, I don’t go out of my way to eat magnitudes of food that disgusts me. So why am I on the GADAMN team? Sometimes I wonder, but the fact is I’m a very hungry person all the time with very little motivation to cook for myself. Beggers can’t be choosers, but this round, it was my choice. And I chose Red Lobster!!!
One word: Biscuits.
Catch my drift? Not to mention, we’re dealing with large portions here. Sure it’s not the most delectable seafood our vast oceans have to offer, but they’re buttery and they taste good. Also, they’ll push two tables together to host your ridiculously large party. Especially if you’re Catholic on Lent.
There’s very little to say about Red Lobster. My cajun chicken alfredo dinner was yummy yet forgettable. The biscuits and lobster nachos were the best thing I ate that entire week, but really, that goes without saying. So what else is there to say that hasn’t been said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that’s the way I like it.
But then there was Zardoz.
Woof. There’s a reason I didn’t get to pick the movie too or we’d all be watching Citizen Kane, praising the genius of Orson Welles, complimenting each others’ attire and sending our kindest and most sincere regards to each others’ mothers. It’s a slippery slope of class.
So what is there to say about Zardoz? Well, not much either. There were a few aspects about this film that were so close, SO CLOSE, to being awesome. And when I say a few, I really mean the underwater glass fetal/human aquarium underground pyramid lab seen at 0:47. Granted, the entrance into said pyramid leaves little to the imagination (1:10). Despite my general “meh” reaction to a truly terrible movie that isn’t all that fun to watch, I do have a bone to pick with Zardoz. A really angry bone.
I have opinions. One of my opinions I would like to challenge as an actual fact. The 2nd movement of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony may be the most beautiful music in the world.
It’s like Beethoven knew that one day, people would make epic movies that he could soundtrack in the awesomest way, thus melting my face and exploding my heart every time I see/hear it. An excellent example would be Tarsem’s The Fall. Hell, they even used it for the “best feature” montage at this year’s Oscars. I’m not gonna lie. It gave me the chills and I may have gotten a little choked up (hoping Curdo didn’t notice that one).
Guess who else used my beloved 7th? Why yes, Zardoz. It’s like they understood the full potential of the 2nd movement… and then decided to take a giant shit on it. Unfortunately, I cannot find Youtube footage of this horrific crime, but if you’re really feeling like getting sad and bored, Zardoz is available on instant play on Netflix. Seeing as I have no aid, allow me to describe.
The floating angry head space ship rock that spews guns from the trailer, gliding in the foggy distance to the staccato chants gasps hiccups, of the saddest male choir I’d ever heard, to my beloved 2nd movement. All while the gods of A Capella wept for humanity.
And I cried:
No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you! This is sin! This is sin! This is sin! It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin! That! Using Ludwig van like that! He did no harm to anyone. Beethoven just wrote music!
And then I cried some more before visiting my cat loving yoga instructor.
Actually, I’m kind of crying now. Quick, let’s all watch the opening credits to The Fall.
Fucking-A. THAT’S how it’s done. Sean Connery, you should be ashamed of yourself.