Why did I let this happen to me?
Once upon a time, a friend passed information to the group that the modest dwelling known as the Ruby Buffet was a good idea. Ruby, a precious stone that commemorates my birth month. Buffet, a not-so-guilty guilty pleasure. I’ve been known to talk up my buffet prowess, but those places had mashed potatoes. Ruby Buffet did not. But that’s besides the point. There was no way we could have salvaged the situation we got ourselves into. Let’s start at the beginning.
Upon entering the Ruby Buffet, I immediately knew it was a mistake. Must have been my woman intuition ringing. All I wanted to do was leave, but I was hanging out with the boys and a boy I must be. I ordered a coke, hoping that the quick access to its magical healing syrup would help undo any damage about to be done. Fat chance. It was time to slowly kill our bodies.
I circled the buffet a few times before I found the courage to start piling heaps of unappetizing food on my plate. Much to my luck, Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” was playing on the radio, and for that moment, I reveled in the fact that I was the only one in this hell hole who cared more about her than anything I could stuff my face with. Within her Ace Of Base/Madonna tribute, I found the strength.
Plate 1: Green beans, chicken teriyaki skewer, spring roll, pepper steakiness, general tso’s, garlic bread, crab and cheese puff and a pork dumpling.
The first thing I ate was the general tso’s. Big mistake. Not because it was bad, but because it was the only appetizing thing I put in my mouth in that entire establishment. Yeah, it was all downhill from there. The teriyaki stick was dry as a desert, the cheesy crab thing was just bizarre, the steak utterly confused my mouth and the dumpling simply made me sad. If there was a time for crying, it would be now, but there’s no crying in baseball. I held my breath, swallowed my dignity pride and moved on.
Plate 2: Corn, more green beans, another spring roll, chicken and broccoli, lo mein and some piece of fried something.
And the winner is.. CORN. That’s right. A stubby cob of corn was the winner of round 2. At this point I could hardly believe it. This plate was strategically planned as a proper get-my-fill-and-get-the-hell-out dinner, consisting of foods I had already tasted and trusted, and others that really couldn’t have been all that bad. So what the hell happened, green beans? You decide to suck over the course of a single serving? And you, spring roll. I trusted you. You betrayed me with your instant yuckiness. How did everything keep getting grosser? Time is not on this buffet’s side. As a matter of fact, I think this may be the buffet where other buffets go to die.
Plate 3: grapes, ?, ?,? ,?, birthday…cake?
While Curdo and Dreamz ventured on for a stupid third plate, Maahk and I threw in the towel…in the name of dessert! Finally, the night was looking up. I was braver than with the savory goods, simply because dessert is dessert, and I can’t complain. I sat down feeling avenged when Maahk popped a grape in his mouth and announced that even the fruit was disappointing. He was right. Upon my grape testing, I managed to crash the reunion of a family of pits and seeds. Bah. Once again a plate went to the kitchen barely touched.
Plate 4: ICE CREAM
Ah, the only plate I finished. I understand now why they put soft serve in these places. They have to make up for everything they just took away from you. Sadly, rainbow jimmies is enough to make me momentarily forget what horrible crimes that my friends and I committed upon ourselves.
Movie time: Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus
That, my friends, is the privileged view of a shark about to bite your plane. Now, I know the boys have all mentioned the display of shark plane biting, but I must reiterate that a fucking shark bites a plane!
So, it goes without saying that Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus was the best thing that could have happened to any of us that night. We were already in hell, might as well have stayed for a while.
Plot: Random turn of events puts us front row to the random rebirth of the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, that apparently were at war with each other before they were frozen in mid-battle millions of years ago. Oh, and Debbie Gibson was there too. Because, really, who else can drive a submarine? From there on, these mega super destruct-o giants terrorize humanity by biting their planes and bridges and shit, before remembering how much they hate each other. Thus the official battle begins.
Worth Noting: I don’t want to go and give anything away because this movie has very little going for it already. But here’s a few details I enjoy pondering.
-Debbie Gibson changed her name to Deborah Gibson. You know, to legitimize herself. For that role. In Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. Mmmmm, it makes my brain hurt so good!
-Someone pitched this to someone who gave them money. While the quality is not much greater than a floppy soupy brown finger painting, it cost more to make than your life is worth. Ouch!
-When Mega Shark and Giant Octopus finally get to fighting, Mega Shark’s only defense is to bite tentacles off. This happens twice. As in Giant Octopus’ legs magically grow back. Some may say this is shoddy repetition of already crappy CGI animation. I say it questions the biology of Giant Octopus, a mysterious being who can immediately rejuvenate its limbs. Fascinating! There’s so much we don’t know about the ocean.
-Science! Man, there’s so much science in this movie. Seriously. They’re all up in their labs and mixing test tubes of glowing liquids and shit. Plus, they’re so good at being super scientists, they don’t even have to measure anything. It makes me wonder what kind of science they’re actually doing. I have a hunch it’s magic (aka AWESOME).
-Despite the presence of Lorenzo Lamas, everything about Debbieorah Gibson makes me gag. How does she do it? Riveting performance.
I’m exhausted from re-visiting these memories that I had intended on forgetting. But if you’re interested, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is still available on Netflix Instant Watch (skip the meal!).